Here is a helpful field guide to institutions of higher learning

The writer is a full-time college student who attends Sabbath services of the Church of God Big Sandy.

By Trey Cartwright

NACOGDOCHES, Texas--Hello again. Trey Cartwright here. My dad reminded me the other day that I have not written for The Journal for probably three years now. For one thing, I've changed my college major from journalism to cinematography. So now, instead of writing newspaper articles, I write scripts.

I found out too late that it's actually quite a bit harder to write a script than news reports. You'd think making stuff up would be easier.

Another stumbling block in the way of my writing a monthly article for The Journal: News of the Churches of God is that I've moved out of The Journal's production complex and into a shoe box in Nacogdoches I dare to call an apartment. Yes, sir, that's the magic of growing up.

In case you're wondering, I attend Stephen F. Austin State University, which is statistically only an hour and a half from my original comfy bed, meals that take longer than five minutes to prepare and laundry service. So I come back home to Big Sandy on most weekends.

Now that the introduction-excuse part of the article is out of the way, on to the better half.

Some strange people attend college here. And a lot of annoying ones. And a lot of really drunk people. And a lot of really stoned people. And a lot of people because of whom I would have to soak myself for 12 hours in a vat of penicillin after just shaking their hand. But how do you tell them apart?

Should you ever visit a college campus yourself, I've compiled a field guide to the people you're likely to meet from my own personal encounters sponsored by The Journal: News of the Churches of God (you are getting sleepy, you are filling out a subscription form, subscribe, subscribe, subscribe).

This list is a work in progress and should not be thought of as a complete guide. However, you should memorize this list, then swallow the issue it's printed in for safekeeping.

Specimen name: Frat Boy.

Where found: Anywhere on campus except class (unless there's a girl he wants to meet there).

How to spot: The Frat Boy will invariably be wearing the exact same thing as every other member of the herd he is traveling with. Look for strange markings on the chest in bright colors.

Specimen name: Sorority Girl.

Where found: Anywhere on campus except class (unless there's a boy who might be wanting to meet her there).

How to spot: Travels in even larger herds than does the Frat Boy. Will react in a hostile manner if approached by anyone but a Frat Boy. Look for strange markings in even brighter colors.

Specimen name: Agriculture Student.

Where found: The soil-conservation center, the campus arboretum or pickup trucks.

How to spot: The boots, cowboy hat, jeans and full gun rack are a dead giveaway.

Specimen name: Ad Design Student.

Where found: Coffee shops, ad-design lab.

How to spot: Wears dark colors and drones on and on about how he's going to make more money than you when he graduates.

Specimen name: Sports Scholarship Student.

Where found: The library or gym.

How to spot: Very tall, very large, very loud.

Specimen name: Art Student.

Where found: Galleries, coffee shops.

How to spot: Not to be confused with Ad Design Student, wears dark clothing made of hemp and drones on and on about what colors and lines he likes.

Specimen name: Film student.

Where found: Film-editing lab.

How to spot: Travels in groups while muttering strange words like "Scorsese" and hauling heavy equipment.

Specimen name: Clueless Office Worker.

Where found: Administration offices.

How to spot: Sitting behind a desk looking important. Will point in a vague direction and mutter something about "the alumni office" when asked anything.

Specimen name: Surly Office Worker.

Where found: Administration offices.

How to spot: Sitting behind a desk with a pitchfork. Will spit in your eye, lower your grades, stab you in the heart and then charge you a processing fee.

Specimen name: Professors.

Where found: Classrooms. Rumors abound of professors found in their offices. I have yet to confirm a sighting.

How to spot: Carrying papers, books and coffee, lots of coffee.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

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