From Connections: Have it our way

The writers are partners in food. Mr. Cartwright is a college sophomore majoring in art; Mr. Ellison is a high-school freshman.

By Trey Cartwright and Matt Ellison

BIG SANDY, Texas-It's time to enter the deranged and slightly humorous mind of Trey Cartwright and his newfound partner in general havoc Matt Ellison.

Today we follow our heroes to the spiffy town of Tyler, Texas. Let's see what's on the list of activities for today:

Trey: Hi there. Today we've decided to start a new legend in the Connections section of The Journal: News of the Churches of God, which you're reading, by the way.

Matt: Subscribe, yo.

Trey: We're starting the Whole Lotta Food® series of articles and, believe me, it's a whole lotta food. You definitely do not want to try this unsupervised. Please consult a physician before trying the Whole Lotta Food program.

Unusual stuff

Matt: Okay, here's what we did: We drove around to a whole lotta restaurants and ordered unusual stuff so we could write an article about it.

Trey: First we went to Burger King. I ordered some onion rings and a medium drink.

Matt: I ordered the famous Whopper-with cheese-and no bun. After all, I'm on a low-carbohydrate diet.

The order had to be repeated three times, then the cook actually came out and questioned our sanity.

Trey: You could see the disbelief on their faces, like someone had just told them that a giant ball of bat earwax had just landed on their car. But we proved it can be done. I know where I'm eating during the spring feast.

Matt: The food was good. You couldn't really taste the cheese because the mayo drowned every trace of it out.

Trey: I thought the tomatoes could have been riper, but the pickles made up for that. The onion rings were pretty good too.

Matt: The meat was excellent! It's all about being charbroiled. If it doesn't have those little lines on it, send it back!

Spatula city

Trey: Trisha the cashier was friendly and helpful and beat the insubordinate cooks with a spatula when they didn't want to make our order. Ask for her, everyone, if you're ever at a Burger King in Tyler.

Matt: Moving right along. After returning to the TreyMobile and logging our B. King adventure, we went across the parking lot to McDonald's.

Trey: Ah, yes, McDonald's. These people must have seen it all because they didn't even bat an eye when I went in and asked for a Funky Chicken Extra Value Meal. The guy didn't bat an eye, but later on tonight, when he's lying in bed trying to go to sleep, he'll sit up and say to himself, "Funky chicken?"

Matt: Needless to say, the chicken wasn't very funky. I felt let down.

Trey: Yes, the chicken was definitely a little low on its funky values.

But it was an interesting dining experience. I sat at the booth for one, and Matt sat across from me, and we shook it down to "Can I Get a Witness?" There's nothing like a little funk soul jam to go with the funk-soul chicken.

After we'd calmed down, we went across the street to yet another fast-food restaurant.

Call the manager

Matt: Taco Bell never knew what hit 'em.

I went in and ordered a bean burrito with no beans-and extra melted cheese. Of course the cashier didn't have the charisma of Trisha at Burger King, so she got everything screwed up. She, uh, got a little confused. Had to call the manager over and cause a big scene.

But in the end I got me my cheese burrito. Boy, it was good. You watch now; it'll catch on, and that funky dog is gonna start talkin' about how he came up with it.

Trey: Simmer down.

I ordered three supreme tacos. They weren't as supreme as I was hoping they'd be. All the way into Taco Bell I was thinking, "Hey, I could seriously go for some supremeness right now," just to be let down by a set of mediocre tacos.

After we'd made a run for the border, Matt began cravin' some Asian.

Matt: Boy you know I was. The food's as good as the women.

Trey: So we skedaddled over to the Chinatown Buffet. Matt had the Chinese buffet, and I had the Jimmy buffet.

Matt: Ha!

Greasy chopstick

Trey: This was actually a fairly good buffet. I was pleasantly surprised. I think they could have had a few more beef dishes. However, the service was excellent. My water glass never went empty.

Matt: The orange chicken had real orange peels in it! We can't be having that! The fried rice was kinda greasy too.

Trey: All in all, it was one of the most bloated evenings I've had in a long time. Like that feeling you get after you leave the Golden Corral immediately before the Day of Atonement.

Matt: I had fun. But remember The Whole Lotta Food program can't be held responsible for anyone who tries this without extensive training. Amateurs can't pull this off.

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