Church On the Rocks

The writer is a sophomore at Tyler Junior College, a graphic artist, a Journal staffer and a Macintosh user.

By Trey Cartwright

Maybe I'll start my own church. Everyone else gets to do it, and just because I'm only 19 doesn't mean I can't be a leader. I can be just as sarcastic as the rest of you!

I'm thinking of naming my group the Amazing New As Seen On TV Church, ANASOTVC for short. Call today! Operators are standing by ready to take your order for better spiritual health. And, if you act now, right now, yes, this very minute, we'll send you, absolutely free, an amazing kitchen-cutlery set.

This is one beautiful two-piece collection of knives made to the exact specifications of ancient Middle Eastern cutlery as printed on the back side of the Dead Sea Scrolls. This two-piece assortment is yours absolutely free just for calling and obtaining the absolutely free information on the ANASOTVC.

Feast your eyes on the beautifully ornate, hand-tooled leather carrying pouch. Both of the specially designed serrated blades, one for sheep and the other for goats, come with their own certificate of authenticity. All yours just for calling now!

If you do decide to join the ANASOTVC, we'll send you a fabulously ornate, working model of a Spanish Inquisition­era guillotine. Its blade is so sharp, watch how it cuts through a lead pipe (ziippp), a shoe (shlorp) and a side of beef (chrunk) and still slices a heretic wafer-thin (ahhhhh).

Join now. You have absolutely nothing to lose by calling and requesting the free information, and you may gain a following. Avoid bitter disappointment! Call now!

What do you think of my idea for a new church? Any takers? Maybe the marketing effort would come across as a little pushy.

So what if I started an online church instead? As far as I know, there isn't yet a church that operates strictly online. My followers would sit around in front of their computers for a couple of hours every Friday night and surf the Web, informing people in chatrooms of their need for deliverance, sending poignant E-mail to people we've never even met, preaching against Bill Gates, speaking in ASCII and casting out viruses.

We could give away free screen savers that proclaimed: "Your screen is saved. Now, what about you?"

For the kiddies we could have booklets such as "Tommy the UNIX System Learns About the Secret Rapture the Hard Way."

But, of course, the preaching against Bill Gates would be the actual work. Mr. Gates represents the evil of the world. Just look at him. No one that bland deserves to have that much money. I bet he couldn't write a mildly sardonic, imaginatively humorous and moderately pious column to save his grandmother. But ask him to start a multi-billion-dollar company and he's all over that.

I have another idea for an organized religion. The Broadway Musical Church would be a smash hit, an overnight success and a lot of fun for all of us who like to sing but think the traditional songbooks have gotten a little predictable.

Singing! Dancing! Snappy dialogue!

The BMC would be anything but predictable.

Your favorite inspirational passages would be written into classic, timeless show tunes, incredible dance numbers and stage effects that would singe your eyebrows.

This weekend only, be sure to order our video version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats starring a lot of people with Italian names. The critics would rave.

Wow. I've got all these incredible ideas for new churches. If I could decide on one, I might actually try to start it.

I do need a good summer job, and everyone should have a hobby.

In case you haven't noticed, you're reading The Journal: News of the Churches of God. I do hope you're a subscriber and not someone who swipes decent literature off his friends.

Thank you for your support.

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